Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
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I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.