Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
You Might Also Like
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Wait a minute