Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Got him!
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow