Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
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Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Seals are just dog mermaids.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate