Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
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“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
October already? What’s next? November????
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Stop it! 😂
The internet is undefeated.. 😂