me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
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😂💯
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
I have no passwords left in me
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.