Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
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*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial