Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
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Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Bro what is this
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known