@BCMontgo

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

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@hisamwelch

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

@UNDEADTRESOR

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

@velvettusk

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

@SouthernCharmSD

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

@SortaBad

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

@coffeeandvinyl1

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

@Andysimpson74

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

@JesseFernandez

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

@brennadine

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

@Scimommy

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris