Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

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smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.


“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”


♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫


Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.


Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown


It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy


Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.


Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.


Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.


#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris