@hisamwelch smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
@BCMontgo Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
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@hisamwelch 
@UNDEADTRESOR “Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
@velvettusk ♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
@SouthernCharmSD Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
@SortaBad Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
@coffeeandvinyl1 It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
@Andysimpson74 Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
@JesseFernandez Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
@brennadine Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
@Scimommy #ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris