Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.