Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.