me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi