Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
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i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
is it earth
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.