me working on my assignments ^-^
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Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
When your parents check you’re ok.