Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

groan^2

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

January has been Januweary

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are