Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
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Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
The internet is magic sometimes.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”