Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
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My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*