ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

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Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”


My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.


Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!


me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*


You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?


“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs


I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs


BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?


911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*