@panmidwest

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

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@envydatropic

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

@radtoria

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

@wendchymes

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

@iwearaonesie

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

@SamGrittner

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

@ristolable

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

@ShortSleeveSuit

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

@KalvinMacleod

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*