@panmidwest
@envydatropic Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
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@envydatropic 
@radtoria My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
@wendchymes Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
@iwearaonesie me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
@SamGrittner You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
@ristolable “Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
@michaeljdawson Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
@ShortSleeveSuit I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
@fillthevacuum *watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
@KalvinMacleod BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*