me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
You Might Also Like
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I beg your pardon?
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.