Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
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I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
calling in to work dehydrated
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??