Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
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A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.