Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
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I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
mathematically impossible
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”