Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
You Might Also Like
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
wow he looks just like him
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.