ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Mornin
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.