Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
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Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Is your wife single?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies