I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
There, happy now? You cunts.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
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I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.