@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

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@That_Damn_Duck

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

@robdelaney

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

@SlabBaconBP

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

@MoistPork

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

@osigat

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

@torrami

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

@n0tblonde

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

@SlabBaconBP

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.