ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
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Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.