me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
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there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
🤣
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this