me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

You Might Also Like


[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*


Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out


Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?


This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.


Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people


Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…


Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….


It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.


You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now


*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*