me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
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My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
*puts cutlery down*
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong