Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
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I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section