ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
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Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
What kind of a cult is this?
12. I think about this all the damn time