me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
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“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
All excellent questions
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children