me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
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I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
This was my dad’s browser history.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.