Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
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My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
best first i’ve ever seen
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.