Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
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her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
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My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
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The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.