Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
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Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Twitter is the new flypaper.