Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
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Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.