me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
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If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]