me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.