Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
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Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
the icebreaker
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Don’t forget to tip your server
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
This is the one
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.