Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
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I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”