me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
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(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.