Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
fr
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through