ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Self-cleaning conscience
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals