Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
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My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.