Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
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Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
*ernest hemingway voice*
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Holy crap this is wonderful
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.