Me: yeah we should hang out!
Person checks their phone when you free?
Me: *disappeared*![]()
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My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying