me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
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Squirrels before girls.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*