ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

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It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.


A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.


ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich


please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind



HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.


Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.


Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.


ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?