ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
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People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.