@petemandik

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

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@Trudacious

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

@caseytduncan

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

@clichedout

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

@PleaseBeGneiss

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

@zachary_lampley

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

@TheBoydP

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

@DairylandDon

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?