@petemandik
@Trudacious It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
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@Trudacious 
@13spencer If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
@caseytduncan A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
@clichedout ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
@WienerToboggan What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
@PleaseBeGneiss please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
@zachary_lampley (NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
@TheBoydP Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
@DairylandDon Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
@OtherDanOBrien ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?