[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
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Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account