Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit