Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
the dark web is just a goth google.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.